My recovery tools

#1 Support Groups

Its my humble opinion that in order to recover addicts need to find their people. These are people who understand addiction, who have probably experienced addiction themselves and who can provide support without judgement.

These support groups or individuals come in many forms and vary depending on where in the world you live. Some are online, some are face to face. You know you have found your recovery group or person when you have found an individual or group of people you can openly talk to and who provide you with accountability. The key here is accountability provided by interaction and conversation with other human beings. Whether that’s by attending meetings or working with a sobriety coach online or over the phone, if you don’t talk to someone and if you are not being held accountable, you are missing out on hugely valuable recovery tools.

My early recovery from alcoholism was facilitated largely by AA - Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn’t exactly choose AA, it‘s more accurate to say that chose me.

I will always remember the day that I was visited in hospital by two members of AA. One of the nurses had asked me to consent to a visit from them. I’d said yes but was apprehensive. I was just coming to terms with being an alcoholic but surely I didn’t need to go to AA? I wasn’t ‘that bad’ was I? Isn’t it terrible that even a chronic alcoholic such as myself held such a stereotypical negative view of other alcoholics.

The two women from AA visited my bedside. I don’t remember much of what was said. One woman had almost ten years of sobriety, the other younger woman, was two and a half months sober. Both women seemed a little ‘nutty’ to me (pot, kettle, black!) but whatever they said they convinced me to attend an AA meeting after I had left hospital. The younger woman took me under her wing, came and met me at our apartment and walked me to my first meeting and back. And this continued for many future meetings. Despite living on opposite sides of the world we are great friends still, ten years on. The kindness of strangers is never more profound than when one addict offers a helping hand to another addict.

I cannot emphasise how important it was for me to hear other alcoholics speak openly at meetings about their experiences. I was overwhelmed with the realisation that there were other people just like me. A lot of what was spoken by others felt like words that had been plucked straight out of my mind! It was horrifying to realise that so many other people were suffering the same mental anguish as me, but also incredible to realise that I was not alone, that this was ‘a thing’,and that everyone else in the room completely understood me in a way non-addicts could never do. Mind. Blown. I had felt so heartbreakingly alone in my addiction. I cannot put into words the power of being understood in the way that the other people in AA understood me.

AA is not for everyone. But there are many alternatives out there. For example; SMART meetings, sobriety support meetings, coaching and/or mentoring by online sobriety coaches, therapy. You can find what you are looking for online and you will find what is right for you. Try as many options as you need to but make sure that you commit to one!

As I have said, AA was so good for me in early sobriety and I have to credit the AA community for all they did both directly and indirectly to support my recovery. There are however a few downsides to AA that I feel you should be aware of if you are going in blind. There are the obvious barriers to attending in the first place (the name of the group and the stigma) that you may need to overcome. But there are also barriers to remaining in the AA fellowship long-term. The twelve step program can be liberating for some but too dogmatic for others. The sponsorship program can be wonderful for many but can be problematic too. A personal tale of caution; I was encouraged to find a sponsor and start work on the twelve steps. The first sponsor I matched with told me very strictly that I should immediately cease taking the anti-depressant medication that I had been on since I got sober as I needed a ‘clear head’ in order to complete the twelve steps properly. Feeling confused, I checked with others at AA and they advised that this was extremely dangerous advice and that nobody other than my GP was qualified to give that advice. I sacked that sponsor immediately. Please keep in mind that while AA strongly believes in the notion of service to others in recovery, and while sponsors all mean well, their advice may not always be sound, so please do seek a second opinion if you feel you need one. I’ve also been told by sponsors that if I don’t complete the twelve steps that I won’t fully recover. There is a strong belief within AA that AA is the only way to get sober. This core belief may work for some but I personally don’t believe it to be true. There are many ways to get sober and there are many ways to achieve emotional sobriety. Please keep looking for your people. The people who will listen while you speak your truth and your grief, who will feel like a room full of hugs, and who will help you to feel somewhat whole again. Your people probably need you just as much as you need them.

You’ve probably heard of the terms 90 meetings in 90 days and the chips you get at AA meetings for reaching sobriety milestones. This is where the power of accountability comes in. When you first attend AA, you are advised to attend 90 meetings in as many days. You are rewarded with recognition and the physical feeling of a sobriety chip in your hand when you hit milestones of weeks, months and years of sobriety. The group celebrates your milestones with you. I know there are now apps that help you record and celebrate your sobriety. But you can fool an app. An app isn’t going to be disappointed in you when you have to reset your counter. The human emotion is what makes the accountability you get from meetings so successful. And having your people around you to celebrate with. It feels really good! Apps, quit lit and sober living social media accounts all provide valuable resources but they cannot provide the accountability that real life can. Real life meetings or one-on-one coaching also provides the very healthy opportunity to talk, talk and talk some more. Nothing good comes from bottling things up. Talking about our addiction and our experiences with other addicts is essential. Trying to battle through sobriety with no one to talk to, no one to support you and no one to cheer you on is the hardest way to do it. You’ve already done enough hard so do yourself a favour, find your people and recover with them in a safe, welcoming and non-judgemental space. What you need right now is support so even if don’t agree completely with what your support group or person says, what’s important for you to do is take what you need, and leave the rest. Someone somewhere said that once and it’s stuck with me.

Thank you for reading My Secret Sobriety. Kate xxx